| Date: | 2001-05-29 23:01 |
| Subject: | Why? |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  refreshed |
| Music: | So Fresh So Clean - Outkast |
I just finished taking a shower, and noticed my shampoo bottle reads as follows:
1. Gently lather.
2. Rinse.
3. Repeat.
You know what, this is pretty misleading. Taken literally, if you were to follow these directions, steps 1 thru 3, wouldn't that mean you'd never stop shampooing your hair? I think that the following would more effectively suffice:
Lather & Rinse twice.
| Date: | 2003-03-14 00:20 |
| Subject: | the funniest thing i've heard in a while. |
| Security: | Public |
my manager @ work, when asked if he thought it was unethical to hit on a girl with a boyfriend:
Just because there's a goalie doesn't mean you can't score.
fuckin classic.
| Date: | 2003-03-12 01:04 |
| Subject: | it's been a long time. |
| Security: | Private |
| Mood: |  okay |
| Music: | A Flock Of Seagulls - I Ran (So Far Away) |
for starters, i just got a damn ticket for not coming to a complete stop before turning on a red light. wtf is that all about, i hardly recall that being a rule. (actually, i do, but i'm spiteful because I consider myself the world's best driver.)
i'm flat broke, so today i had 'free samples' and water for lunch. (mall food courts are rife with complimentary food.) i may have to do this regularly as a counter measure for the increase in gas prices.
speaking of which, it really blows having a truck during this steady minute-to-minute price erection of gasoline. i can actually watch my gas needle slowly descend from F to E whilst I'm driving, and w/ 15mpg, i'll be going no where quick.
i didn't know what to give up for lent this year, so i tried giving up road rage. (read the aforementioned passage and assume why I haven't succeedeed) sorry God.
| Date: | 2004-12-23 18:56 |
| Subject: | man i miss writing. |
| Security: | Public |
Merry Christmas everybody!
Funniest thing I've read in a long while:
(excerpt of a poster's answer from an online Maxim Magazine forum regarding the question- Natural, trimmed, or shaved?)
dickhead47star: Natural of course! It's the fuzz that holds the smell in!
| Date: | 2004-06-21 11:41 |
| Subject: | compelling |
| Security: | Public |
My holier-than-thou friend, whom I normally ignore during his homily-like preachings, told me this today & I'm actually glad I paid attention, as it brought a smile to my face:
i questioned God's existence; then he told me this in my sleep...
'The reason I know I am God is because one day as I was praying, I realized I was talking to myself.'
| Date: | 2003-06-30 13:49 |
| Subject: | ... |
| Security: | Public |
you should never underestimate the predictability of stupidity.
-bullet tooth tony, snatch (2000)
| Date: | 2005-01-28 07:30 |
| Subject: | ...pffft... |
| Security: | Public |
have you ever wished you had gas?
most people don't i presume. think of a time when you went out for a late night run to Alberto's or any other mexican takeout for that matter. you polish off your carne asada burrito, super nachos, and a horchata and think "my, my, my, that was swell." later, as you rip one crack-searing anus-igniting fart after another, you think "damn that food. i wish i didn't have gas."
maybe it was before a big blind date, or even for some just a common encounter with your significant other, like a night out for dinner and a movie. you shower (giving the genital region extra cleaning attention just in case the night goes well), give the deoderant an extra swipe under each arm, put on the "special" g-string (or if you're a guy, the boxers without holes), get all dressy, etc. in preparation for your night out. perhaps you downed a heavily-carbonated soda before you left. or possibly it was that new appetizer you guys decided to try out for the first time at the restaurant. whatever it was, all you know is something doesn't feel right in your tummy, and of course, it's happening at the worst possible time and place-while you're next to "that someone", the one you're trying to look all sexy to. so whether it's the subtle "movie-seat-squirm-to-spread-the-ass-che
i wish i had gas.
haha. not of the flatulent nature though. in my truck. because i am broke. and gas is expensive.
too bad automobiles don't run on another cheaper, more abundant natural resource. like carbon dioxide. that'd be sweet. through some miracle of modern science, you'd be able to supply fuel to the motor just by exhaling while in your car, which of course you do naturally anyway. and suppose you got to hill and you needed more power, you could just sigh and bam, more fuel. or if that dumbass in the fast & furious-inspired rice rocket kia spectra pulls up next to you at a stoplight. you'd start hyper-ventilating because you're excited about the illegal drag race you are about to partake in, and guess what? more power from all the extra carbon dioxide you're producing. that's genius. even when you carpool. ever encounter the uncomfortable awkward situation of asking for gas money? well thanks to the new efficient CO2 motor, it's all good, provided none of your passengers pass out and stop breathing.
or pee! get over the fact that it's pee, and you have yourself one of the most abundant resources available. think about it-even bums don't care about getting rid of pee. and there's practically no demand for it, so it'd be cheap as hell. imagine the possibilities. what do you ensure before a big road trip? "everybody be sure to use the restroom before we go!" you say, right? well, now everybody is obligated to pee, or else the car won't start and nobody's going anywhere. even in that scenario, there's always the one wiseguy who thinks he can hold it the whole 9-day trip to Pinellas Pines, Florida. instead of stressing out to find a rest stop that #1, has a clean restroom, and #2, has a gas station near it, you could pull over wherever you want and kill two birds with one stone. genius.
it'd be even tighter if you could fill your tank up just by tuning into that song Gasolina by Daddy Yankee.
it's 2005. where is all this great technology?
i wish i had gas.
| Date: | 2005-05-18 11:22 |
| Subject: | ... |
| Security: | Public |
nothing bad can ever turn out from hearing something beginning with those 3 little words:
catholic schoolgirl uniform
| Date: | 2005-06-02 21:49 |
| Subject: | sorry. |
| Security: | Public |
sorry for being perverted.
| Date: | 2008-08-31 15:53 |
| Subject: | Oh... |
| Security: | Public |
...and by the fucking way:
There's a scene in SUPERBAD where Seth (Jonah Hill) is talking to Evan (Michael Cera) on the soccer field and he is panicking about the situation he just fell into with Jules (Emma Stone). Whether it was Jonah's comedic on-the-fly freestyle ad-lib (which admittedly he's quite good at) or a fault of the fucking writers, he uses the term "DTF", or Down To Fuck.
"She's DTF man! She's down to fuck!" - Jonah Hill, Superbad 2007
I invented that shit. I disclosed it's awesomeness as a term to the public when I was more prolific in my writings on LiveJournal back in 2001, but rest assured I invented it well before then. (I was an asshole way before 2001. Believe that. Proof available upon request Mr. Apatow.)
So yeah Superbad writers, I'm calling you out. I'm glad you find my shit funny. Next time ask for permission, or Larry H. Parker might be knocking at your door.
"Larry Parker got me, 2.1 million." - That black dude from the 1980's Larry Parker commercial
Posts
