There are only a few things I can think of that are more humiliating for a guy than having his zipper down. Getting punched out by a girl? Definitely. Punked by a sweet old lady? Sure. Being this guy? Yep. But seriously, being told, "Your zipper's down." ranks as one of the most humiliating yet preventable things a guy has to deal with in his life.
I was walking to Starbucks last Thursday & felt a chill run between my legs. It's beginning to get colder around here, so I didn't think too much of it. The chill, though, became very concentrated in my nether regions, so I looked down and was mortified to see that my zipper was down. Mind you, I've had my share of pointing & laughing while yelling "XYZ!" (eXamine Your Zipper) from classmates as a child whenever I forgot to zip up, so since then I've been diligent about making sure the package is sealed. Imagine how much worse it got when I reached down to save face and found that the zipper had broken.Seriously, what do you do in that situation? I was in an outdoor shopping mall full of people, with a zipper that was in 2 pieces and an unclosable gaze-sucking black hole that was framing my plaid boxer print. (In retrospect, I could have simply untucked my shirt, but alas I don't think that rational under pressure.) I had to decide what to do quick. I was closer to Starbucks than work, but the decision was made to hustle back and find a quiet area away from prying eyes to properly assess the situation and determine appropriate countermeasures. So, disgracefully, I slowly made my way down the sidewalk, walking somewhat like how I imagine cowboys used to walk in the Old West: with my hand firmly grasping my belt buckle (while slyly using my pinky to hold my damn shitty pants closed). I tried my best not to make eye contact with anyone, but could sadly feel the gazes from people as they stared at the guy who was walking funny with his pinky on his nads.
"Zipper down" sucks! Think about it, it's even worse than ripping your pants. At least if that happens people get a good laugh about it. It was accidental, it's not like you forget to not rip your pants, so oh well. But having your zipper down usually can be prevented, which is why it ranks so high on the moron-a-meter. You don't look like a perv when you accidentally rip your pants; you sure look like one walking by an Old Navy with your fly down.
If there are things in life a guy should count on 100%, his fucking zipper should be one of them. It's such a small yet vital component of his outfit that all pant makers should make them out of adamantium, or at the very least Beryllium. My Steve & Barry's pant's zipper seemed to made of some type of iron/plastic/styrofoam composite. The pants were otherwise in excellent condition, subject to no abuse and the customary 6 daily bathroom visits (divvied up as 4 #1's and 2 #2's), plus one zip in the morning to put them on and one in the evening before storage. And it's not like I'm a big guy either. Sure, I had to shop in the HUSKY section when I was boy, and I'm not Abercormbie & Fitch front door modeling material, but for fuck's sake, it's not like I'm this kid either. With all these fancy-pants (pun intended) terms manufacturers put on their tags: "Pleated", "Double-stitched", "Cell phone pocket", "Wrinkle-free"...you know what I want to see: "BAD-ASS motherfuckin' zipper"."But dude, you can't blame them, they make millions of pants and there's always going to be a rotten apple once in a while."
I present to you my Steve & Barry's "Genuine Leather" belt:
Or how about my Steve & Barry's shoes?
"What do you expect? You paid $xx.xx for your pants and $xx.xx for your shoes. You get what you pay for buddy."
I needed pants that day (unless I wanted to work the rest of the day with my pants stapled shut). Those cargo pants were $13.95 at Steve & Barry's when I bought them a few months ago. Their replacement from Kohl's?
These new Chaps cargo pants have a stainless steel zipper with some sort of spring mechanism that automatically pops the zipper tab in the locked down position after you pull it closed. For $5.50. It counts, okay, because going to the sales rack at Kohls hunting for bargains is just like going to this "bargain" poor excuse for a store. Sorry Steve & Barry, apparently you guys are getting what I paid for. Biatches.
"Can't wear skinny jeans cuz my nuts won't fit" - Jay-Z
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