I literally spent all day watching these.

I'm on the last of an unprecedented 3 days off from work, and besides going out to get Yogurt-land for the first time (cheesecake non-fat + mini gummy bears = holy shit!), I stayed my lazy ass home because I got caught up watching Dateline on YouTube, more specifically uploaded episodes of "To Catch a Predator". MAN! Some of the reactions from these men who get caught are priceless. I'm not trying to soapbox and proclaim "I'm glad justice is being served!" (though I am) but rather that I just feel for pure entertainment value, the reactions, excuses and lies these men tell once they know they're in deep shit is hilarious.

Host Chris Hansen is pretty lucky. He gets to be the one who whips out the "chat log" of each person and have objective proof that these dummies were being pervy online with who they thought was a minor. And then the bullshit from all these creeps just starts spewing forth. One guy, after getting caught thinking he was going to have sex with a 14-year-old, first blames his wife and then even offers his services to the police interviewer and essentially says, "Maybe I can help you." What the fuck! That's classic.

And sure, he who is without sin cast the first stone. I don't think that's applicable to these punks, there is no such thing as a lapse of judgment when it comes to being this evil. Sorry, but these guys deserve no compassion in my book.

And for your "justice is served" pleasure:

PERVS IN FORTSON, GEORGIA
Chapter 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10

CREEPS IN PETALUMA, CALIFORNIA
Chapter 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10

PEDOPHILES IN GREENVILLE, OHIO
Chapter 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10

DAMNED IN FORT MEYERS, FLORIDA
Chapter 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10

DONE FUCKED UP IN LONG BEACH, CALIFORNIA
Chapter 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5

And here is my own selection of idiot All-Stars:

"Sir! Please sir!"

(This guy even took his shoes off. Felarious.)

This one is semi-hard to watch, but the margarita spill and sunglass throw are worth it.


This creep passes out!


Worst. Rationalizing. Ever.


Here's the guy who offers his "help". Please. But the best part is that Dateline quotes his IM's verbatim.

"Maybe I can work for you guys. I'm really hoping to work for you guys." 'Nuff said.

No words.


Still nothing.


For more information on protecting yourself and people you care about from these horrible people: Perverted Justice | FamilyWatchdog

And because I hate ending things on a serious note:

Random clip worth watching:

I'm actually a big David Blaine fan, but this is just too hilarious not to share.

Laters perverts.

Do you think you have a dirty mind?

Well, do you?

Is it just me?

I was listening to Power106 (a popular local Los Angeles radio station) and it's "I Hate It When Wednesdays". Listeners call in with stuff they "hate". I don't know if it's because these people are on the radio or what, but their "hates", at least to me, sound like more a ploy for attention or "just to get a laugh" than actual experiences.

"Dude, I hate it when you're, you know, just having fun and stuff, you know, & you forget your phone at home, and your lady goes snooping through your messages, and you, you know, get caught up, you know?"

That's one of my personal "hates", when people say "you know" about an average of 4 times per sentence. That and the proliferation of the word "like", coming in as runner-up at about 3.3 times per sentence.

Here are some real things that I'm pretty sure bug people besides me. Have any more? Sound off! This is just the beginning.

People who incessantly keep pushing the 'walk' button at the crosswalk as if it'll change the light faster. It's not a doorbell dumbass.

Just the same, there are those people who feel the urge to continuously push the elevator button, as if there's some secret morse code that tells the magic elves who are operating the elevator pulley that you're in more of a rush than people on the other floors who pushed the button (just once!) before you. (It usually goes like this: push the button, look at watch, sigh, cuss, then push the button 3 more times really fast, repeat as necessary. Idiotas.)

You're at a stoplight, and it's one of those that start as protected green arrows that then turn into green lights, & instead of yielding like you do at a regular green light, the people in front of you STOP. It's not like the fucking light turned red.

Have you ever been in a single person restroom, and someone repeatedly keeps trying to open the locked door because they have to go "real bad"? Seriously, what good can come of that? It's going to cause a number of things: your ass will tighten, interrupting your #2 or it'll cause your pee stream to squelch, slowing down the process and being counter-productive for both parties. That or the door will open by accident and you're both in a super-awkward situation.

Guys who piss in the urinal immediately adjacent to the one I'm using (that is a crime against humanity and should be against the law.)

People who still write checks.

People holding a single item in a supermarket line hoping you'll be courteous. (There's an express line motherfucker!)

Picketers. (Most of us are honking because you're holding up traffic, not out of support, so don't get excited.)

People who can't stop talking about TiVo like it's the second coming of Christ.

Cheapskates who when buying something complain about how "In my country, this computer/cell phone/box of condoms would only cost $2.95".

People that bitch that Daylight Savings Time "threw them off". (It's an HOUR. It's not that planets misaligned or you fell in a black hole you tardy-ass.)

That's it for now, because it's time for work, you know.

Wow, I irritate myself sometimes.

I was sitting on the throne just now, typing notes for an upcoming blog I have in mind concerning things that irritate and annoy me, when I just realized something. I find it irritating how I used to type my blogs on LiveJournal.

i did that cool thing where you used almost no capital letters. even when you began a new sentence or referred to a proper noun like "tijuana".

What a twit I was.

OT, here's a rather amusing clip of Bill Gates getting a taste of his own medicine. This one's for everyone that ever had a problem in Windows, which is everyone.

Coming soon...Things that make me wish some people spontaneously combusted, Volume I.

Steve & Barry's. GOOD RIDDANCE!

Steve. Barry. You should be ashamed of yourselves.

There are only a few things I can think of that are more humiliating for a guy than having his zipper down. Getting punched out by a girl? Definitely. Punked by a sweet old lady? Sure. Being this guy? Yep. But seriously, being told, "Your zipper's down." ranks as one of the most humiliating yet preventable things a guy has to deal with in his life.

I was walking to Starbucks last Thursday & felt a chill run between my legs. It's beginning to get colder around here, so I didn't think too much of it. The chill, though, became very concentrated in my nether regions, so I looked down and was mortified to see that my zipper was down. Mind you, I've had my share of pointing & laughing while yelling "XYZ!" (eXamine Your Zipper) from classmates as a child whenever I forgot to zip up, so since then I've been diligent about making sure the package is sealed. Imagine how much worse it got when I reached down to save face and found that the zipper had broken.

Seriously, what do you do in that situation? I was in an outdoor shopping mall full of people, with a zipper that was in 2 pieces and an unclosable gaze-sucking black hole that was framing my plaid boxer print. (In retrospect, I could have simply untucked my shirt, but alas I don't think that rational under pressure.) I had to decide what to do quick. I was closer to Starbucks than work, but the decision was made to hustle back and find a quiet area away from prying eyes to properly assess the situation and determine appropriate countermeasures. So, disgracefully, I slowly made my way down the sidewalk, walking somewhat like how I imagine cowboys used to walk in the Old West: with my hand firmly grasping my belt buckle (while slyly using my pinky to hold my damn shitty pants closed). I tried my best not to make eye contact with anyone, but could sadly feel the gazes from people as they stared at the guy who was walking funny with his pinky on his nads.

"Zipper down" sucks! Think about it, it's even worse than ripping your pants. At least if that happens people get a good laugh about it. It was accidental, it's not like you forget to not rip your pants, so oh well. But having your zipper down usually can be prevented, which is why it ranks so high on the moron-a-meter. You don't look like a perv when you accidentally rip your pants; you sure look like one walking by an Old Navy with your fly down.

If there are things in life a guy should count on 100%, his fucking zipper should be one of them. It's such a small yet vital component of his outfit that all pant makers should make them out of adamantium, or at the very least Beryllium. My Steve & Barry's pant's zipper seemed to made of some type of iron/plastic/styrofoam composite. The pants were otherwise in excellent condition, subject to no abuse and the customary 6 daily bathroom visits (divvied up as 4 #1's and 2 #2's), plus one zip in the morning to put them on and one in the evening before storage. And it's not like I'm a big guy either. Sure, I had to shop in the HUSKY section when I was boy, and I'm not Abercormbie & Fitch front door modeling material, but for fuck's sake, it's not like I'm this kid either. With all these fancy-pants (pun intended) terms manufacturers put on their tags: "Pleated", "Double-stitched", "Cell phone pocket", "Wrinkle-free"...you know what I want to see: "BAD-ASS motherfuckin' zipper".

"But dude, you can't blame them, they make millions of pants and there's always going to be a rotten apple once in a while."

I present to you my Steve & Barry's "Genuine Leather" belt:

Or how about my Steve & Barry's shoes?

"What do you expect? You paid $xx.xx for your pants and $xx.xx for your shoes. You get what you pay for buddy."

I needed pants that day (unless I wanted to work the rest of the day with my pants stapled shut). Those cargo pants were $13.95 at Steve & Barry's when I bought them a few months ago. Their replacement from Kohl's?

These new Chaps cargo pants have a stainless steel zipper with some sort of spring mechanism that automatically pops the zipper tab in the locked down position after you pull it closed. For $5.50. It counts, okay, because going to the sales rack at Kohls hunting for bargains is just like going to this "bargain" poor excuse for a store. Sorry Steve & Barry, apparently you guys are getting what I paid for. Biatches.

"Can't wear skinny jeans cuz my nuts won't fit" - Jay-Z

You don't need the Geek Squad, v0.01

I know everyone & their moms are getting Macbooks, but for those PC folks still out there, here are two super-annoying problems my friends & family call me with all the time and their respective fixes. The first one's fairly common; the second one once almost brought me to tears. Enjoy. This is Geek One. Over & out.

---

I don't know how people accidentally delete it (but it always seems to happen), so here's how to restore the Show Desktop icon on your taskbar.

This one's a doozie. It's the problem that drives even us techno-elitists bananas sometimes. It's when your optical drive (CD-ROM/DVD-ROM/etc.) vanishes. It still physically works, but Windows doesn't see it, and it isn't present in the My Computer box. Here's how to restore it.

I know. Shortest. Post. Ever. But for those who've ever run into either of these 2 problems, I hope this is a godsend.

So you're PMS'ing pretty bad, huh?

The Office rocks my socks. Call me obtuse, but I had no idea that there was a spoof Dunder Mifflin site! The production value of the site is amazing, just as good if not better than this site's namesake, the Satan's Alley spoof website.

If you're a fan, you owe it to yourself to check out NBC's Office homepage, there's a lot of great stuff on there, especially the classic Fake PSAs.

Some past literary genius that deserves more time in the limelight.

Excerpts from my old nonsensical LiveJournal ramblings which still crack me up:

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Date:	2001-05-29 23:01
Subject:	Why?
Security:	Public
Mood:	refreshed
Music:	So Fresh So Clean - Outkast

I just finished taking a shower, and noticed my shampoo bottle reads as follows:

1. Gently lather.
2. Rinse.
3. Repeat.

You know what, this is pretty misleading. Taken literally, if you were to follow these directions, steps 1 thru 3, wouldn't that mean you'd never stop shampooing your hair? I think that the following would more effectively suffice:

Lather & Rinse twice.

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Date:	2003-03-14 00:20
Subject:	the funniest thing i've heard in a while.
Security:	Public

my manager @ work, when asked if he thought it was unethical to hit on a girl with a boyfriend:

Just because there's a goalie doesn't mean you can't score.

fuckin classic.

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Date:	2003-03-12 01:04
Subject:	it's been a long time.
Security:	Private
Mood:	okay
Music:	A Flock Of Seagulls - I Ran (So Far Away)

for starters, i just got a damn ticket for not coming to a complete stop before turning on a red light. wtf is that all about, i hardly recall that being a rule. (actually, i do, but i'm spiteful because I consider myself the world's best driver.)

i'm flat broke, so today i had 'free samples' and water for lunch. (mall food courts are rife with complimentary food.) i may have to do this regularly as a counter measure for the increase in gas prices.

speaking of which, it really blows having a truck during this steady minute-to-minute price erection of gasoline. i can actually watch my gas needle slowly descend from F to E whilst I'm driving, and w/ 15mpg, i'll be going no where quick.

i didn't know what to give up for lent this year, so i tried giving up road rage. (read the aforementioned passage and assume why I haven't succeedeed) sorry God.

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Date:	2004-12-23 18:56
Subject:	man i miss writing.
Security:	Public

Merry Christmas everybody!

Funniest thing I've read in a long while:

(excerpt of a poster's answer from an online Maxim Magazine forum regarding the question- Natural, trimmed, or shaved?)

dickhead47star: Natural of course! It's the fuzz that holds the smell in!

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Date:	2004-06-21 11:41
Subject:	compelling
Security:	Public

My holier-than-thou friend, whom I normally ignore during his homily-like preachings, told me this today & I'm actually glad I paid attention, as it brought a smile to my face:

i questioned God's existence; then he told me this in my sleep...

'The reason I know I am God is because one day as I was praying, I realized I was talking to myself.'

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Date:	2003-06-30 13:49
Subject:	...
Security:	Public

you should never underestimate the predictability of stupidity.

-bullet tooth tony, snatch (2000)

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Date:	2005-01-28 07:30
Subject:	...pffft...
Security:	Public

have you ever wished you had gas?

most people don't i presume. think of a time when you went out for a late night run to Alberto's or any other mexican takeout for that matter. you polish off your carne asada burrito, super nachos, and a horchata and think "my, my, my, that was swell." later, as you rip one crack-searing anus-igniting fart after another, you think "damn that food. i wish i didn't have gas."

maybe it was before a big blind date, or even for some just a common encounter with your significant other, like a night out for dinner and a movie. you shower (giving the genital region extra cleaning attention just in case the night goes well), give the deoderant an extra swipe under each arm, put on the "special" g-string (or if you're a guy, the boxers without holes), get all dressy, etc. in preparation for your night out. perhaps you downed a heavily-carbonated soda before you left. or possibly it was that new appetizer you guys decided to try out for the first time at the restaurant. whatever it was, all you know is something doesn't feel right in your tummy, and of course, it's happening at the worst possible time and place-while you're next to "that someone", the one you're trying to look all sexy to. so whether it's the subtle "movie-seat-squirm-to-spread-the-ass-cheeks-and-lay-a-silent-one-while-praying-it-doesn't-stink" move or the "excuse-me-while-i-go-to-the-restroom-and-fart-without-remorse-where-you-won't-hear-it" steez, you think the same thing-"i wish i didn't have gas."

i wish i had gas.

haha. not of the flatulent nature though. in my truck. because i am broke. and gas is expensive.

too bad automobiles don't run on another cheaper, more abundant natural resource. like carbon dioxide. that'd be sweet. through some miracle of modern science, you'd be able to supply fuel to the motor just by exhaling while in your car, which of course you do naturally anyway. and suppose you got to hill and you needed more power, you could just sigh and bam, more fuel. or if that dumbass in the fast & furious-inspired rice rocket kia spectra pulls up next to you at a stoplight. you'd start hyper-ventilating because you're excited about the illegal drag race you are about to partake in, and guess what? more power from all the extra carbon dioxide you're producing. that's genius. even when you carpool. ever encounter the uncomfortable awkward situation of asking for gas money? well thanks to the new efficient CO₂ motor, it's all good, provided none of your passengers pass out and stop breathing.

or pee! get over the fact that it's pee, and you have yourself one of the most abundant resources available. think about it-even bums don't care about getting rid of pee. and there's practically no demand for it, so it'd be cheap as hell. imagine the possibilities. what do you ensure before a big road trip? "everybody be sure to use the restroom before we go!" you say, right? well, now everybody is obligated to pee, or else the car won't start and nobody's going anywhere. even in that scenario, there's always the one wiseguy who thinks he can hold it the whole 9-day trip to Pinellas Pines, Florida. instead of stressing out to find a rest stop that #1, has a clean restroom, and #2, has a gas station near it, you could pull over wherever you want and kill two birds with one stone. genius.

it'd be even tighter if you could fill your tank up just by tuning into that song Gasolina by Daddy Yankee.

it's 2005. where is all this great technology?

i wish i had gas.

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Date:	2005-05-18 11:22
Subject:	...
Security:	Public

nothing bad can ever turn out from hearing something beginning with those 3 little words:

catholic schoolgirl uniform

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Date:	2005-06-02 21:49
Subject:	sorry.
Security:	Public

sorry for being perverted.

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Date:	2008-08-31 15:53
Subject:	Oh...
Security:	Public

...and by the fucking way:

There's a scene in SUPERBAD where Seth (Jonah Hill) is talking to Evan (Michael Cera) on the soccer field and he is panicking about the situation he just fell into with Jules (Emma Stone). Whether it was Jonah's comedic on-the-fly freestyle ad-lib (which admittedly he's quite good at) or a fault of the fucking writers, he uses the term "DTF", or Down To Fuck.

"She's DTF man! She's down to fuck!" - Jonah Hill, Superbad 2007

I invented that shit. I disclosed it's awesomeness as a term to the public when I was more prolific in my writings on LiveJournal back in 2001, but rest assured I invented it well before then. (I was an asshole way before 2001. Believe that. Proof available upon request Mr. Apatow.)

So yeah Superbad writers, I'm calling you out. I'm glad you find my shit funny. Next time ask for permission, or Larry H. Parker might be knocking at your door.

"Larry Parker got me, 2.1 million." - That black dude from the 1980's Larry Parker commercial

It's like real life Brain Age!

Ever play Brain Age on Nintendo's DS system? There's an exercise in arithmetic that you play where icons of people, kind of like the universal symbol for "men" used on restroom signs, go in and out of a house in random numbers, and you need to keep track of how many people are "in" the house by adding the random amounts of little men icons that go in while subtracting the amount going out. It sounds easy, but can get feverishly difficult.

While not exactly like that, I found this video of a border patrol agent having a hell of a time keeping track of the people coming out.

Opening credits.

I can't say exactly why I've started this blog. I have a pretty badass LiveJournal. Puzzler.

Maybe I'm giving in to the whole "blog" phenomenon. Maybe I've outgrown the comfy nest that LiveJournal has been as my outlet for shit that I dare not say aloud.

Nah, that's not it. I wonder what it is.

I will admit, however, that I'm unsure if this will become a regular thing, me blogging. I hate the term. Web + log = "Blog"? Are you serious? So many fabulous words & terms are simply genius mash-ups of other cool words, like "hi-fi" (high fidelity), "fosheezy" (for + sure + easy), & "mufucka" (mother + fucker). The best we could come up with for Internet-based journaling by random people is a "blog"? Even "podcast" (iPod + broadcast) is less repulsive than that.

Frankly, I was so damn entertained by the Satan's Alley trailer that plays before the movie Tropic Thunder that I just wanted to snag the name for my blogger address before it gets taken.

I know, what a ridiculous reason.

Insane in the membrane. - Cypress Hill